Me-ta-morphosis

[AbuHossam]

​The scars I could not see lasted far longer than the bruises. There is nothing that could make me forget him; the man that broke me completely. Forgiveness is a difficult process that begins with a choice to put your future first. To truly forgive, is to release feelings like resentment, anger, regret, and even guilt. We cannot become the best version of ourselves when our hearts and minds are preoccupied with such burdens. One of the greatest gifts we can give to others, and ourselves, is forgiveness.

​It was still warm for a late night in Connecticut, but the predictable fog was lightly covering the ground. The smell of New England in the summertime is unmistakable, like carrying the ocean in your pocket everywhere you go. Pulling up in front of the big, brick buildings, I was irritated because someone had parked in my parking spot, the closest one to the door. It was bad enough my apartment was on the third floor, but this night in particular, I was exhausted. Walking up the dirty stairs to my apartment, after seven long days of working 14 hour shifts, all I could think about was getting out of my business casual attire, slipping into some jammies, and watching tv on the couch for the next few hours. My heart started to race as I reached the top of the third flight, realizing I had finally made it home, and my week of hell was over. I twisted the old, brass knob, fumbling with my suitcase and purse as I struggled to push the unreasonably heavy door, and not drop everything down the stairs simultaneously. I clumsily stumbled in, and barely made it past the door when I dropped everything, including my jaw, as I stood in shock, almost unable to blink.

​The smell hit me first, assaulting my nose with the scent of stale beer and vomit. A wave of trash was spilling off the area where my couch once was and rolled out onto the living room floor, where it stopped a few inches from my feet. The tv was still on, lighting up the dim room just enough for me to make out a familiar looking figure crumpled in the corner, snoring loudly. I stood there for what I’m sure was only a second or two, but what felt like much longer, trying to take everything in and come to some kind of logical explanation. A second later, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. That was my boyfriend of five years lying in the corner, and I knew what was coming next.

​The door slammed behind me, stirring him from his stupor. He sat up slowly, stretching his arms above his head as if he had just woken from a peaceful night’s sleep. Still dazed, he turned slightly and looked towards me, but seemed to look through me this time. ”Hey” he said yawning, as he stumbled to his feet. I finally felt myself blink; but couldn’t form any words just yet. “We should talk.” he slurred. He was an average height and weight, I guess, but to me he seemed massive, standing there in the light of the television. My stomach sank to my toes and a lump formed in my throat as I braced myself for the inevitable. “Please, don’t do this,” I begged silently, “not tonight.” My hands trembled and began to sweat as I pleaded with my eyes, searching frantically for a way to change the outcome. “This is really it this time,” he continued, “I had time to think while you were gone. I finally figured out that the reason I keep coming back to you is because you treat me good. I never actually loved you; if I did it wouldn’t be so easy to hurt you and not care.” He said it so plainly, as if he was ordering from a menu at a restaurant. “I met someone while you were gone; her name is Jessica too, isn’t that weird?”

​I could barely breathe; my chest felt like it was being squeezed in a vice grip. After what felt like an eternity of searching, my brain finally thawed enough for me to quietly utter the words, “Please leave”, something I had never said to him before. I turned away trying to hide my face, not wanting him to see how much he had destroyed me, again. Old food wrappers from McDonalds and Coors cans crunched under my feet as I floated down the hallway. Suddenly, I felt a rush of nausea pummel my insides like a punching bag, and I rushed around the corner to the bathroom, desperately trying to reach the toilet in time. Just then, everything went black.

​The ringing in my ears was something I had never felt before and it lasted for minutes afterwards. I felt the slow, warm trickle of red flowing down through my eyebrow, and it pooled for a moment in the crease of my eye like tears. The cold, white tile danced beneath me as I tried to focus, grabbing the side of the tub to stabilize myself. He grabbed me by the back of my head, and the fluorescent lights lit up a shadow of his body as he twisted me around on the floor. He had never attacked me without warning before, and the calmness he exuded told me I was in more danger than I had been previously. “You don’t get to tell me to leave, I tell you how this goes.” He grinned as he gripped the clump of my hair, turning my neck further to see his expression. “I’m staying tonight and will be gone tomorrow. Don’t bother asking where.”

Everything was still blurry as he threw my head to the floor like a used towel. He walked down the hall and I heard him open the refrigerator door, the clink of ice hitting the glass as he poured himself a drink, just as calm as when I had woken him up. With the little strength I had I grabbed the side of the tub again. Head swimming, but determined, I lifted myself to my feet. Stumbling to the sink I caught a glimpse of my reflection, something I had always avoided. For the first time, I saw a broken girl in front of me, and I hated her.

​For years I had allowed all of this, almost wanting it to continue, feeling as though I deserved it somehow for being such a poor example of a human being. I wasn’t strong, like my mother, or wise like my father; I wasn’t proud of anything I was or who I had become. Staring into that piece of glass, feeling more broken than I had ever known was possible, I knew I had to prove to myself what I was capable of or this would be the end of me, so I made a decision. I chose to forgive myself for being weak and naïve; for allowing myself to think with my heart instead of my head. I forgave myself for loving someone that tried to shatter my body and soul; but most of all, for not caring about that girl in the mirror. In that moment, I released all the guilt and regret of wasting so many years of my life, and for the first time, chose to embrace my future instead.

​As the police took him away that night, I packed my things with a smile, something I hadn’t felt myself do in a very long time. The feeling of being safe from him was nothing compared to that of being ready to learn to love myself again. We cannot become the best version of ourselves when our hearts and minds are preoccupied with burdens like resentment and anger, so in time, I even learned to forgive him. After all, one of the greatest gifts we can give to others, and ourselves, is forgiveness.