I Can't get over my mother's death..

[Sadinne]

Hello everyone.

As some of you might already know, I lost my mom last year three weeks before my bac exam, Allah gave me the power to pass the exam & I am now in college, I chose pharmacy & I am very satisfied with my choice, my father got married & his wife is hamdoulilah very good to us, when I think about all the possibilites of things that could've gone wrong in my life, I realize how lucky I am now that everything is fine, except for on thing, which is the fact that even though in about a month a year would've passed since my mom died, but I'm still not over it..

When I decided to pass the bac exam & to try to study & how I smiled at everyone & how "Okay" I seemed to be, everyone thought I took it well, that I was doing just fine, but in fact I was just in a state of shock, I didn't realize what was happening, I didn't know it meant I'll never see my mother ever again, I thought it was just a movie, that will soon be over & that my mother will come back home once it's all over.

When I started to realize it, when I went to college & came back to an empty home, when my mom wasn't there in El Aid, in Ramdan...When I bought new clothes & Had no one to show them to, when I woke up in the middle of the night after having a huge nightmare & not finding anyone to run to, when I yell "Mom" in the house & I don't hear her sweet voice saying "Ani hna a Hbibti" that's when I realized what it meant, that was the moment I knew what "She died" meant, and I just couldn't handle it, I am not opposing god's will, on the contrary, Hamdoulilah for the fact that she didn't stay alive paralyzed in a corner, hamdoulilah she didn't suffer, hamdoulilah she was a good woman, hamdoulilah I got my bac & got the chance to go out of town & escape all of this for a little while, hamdoulilah my dad is still good to me, hamdoulilah his wife is a good woman, hamdoulilah for everything, cause I know even though I lost the most important person in the world, I am still swimming in god's blessings & gifts, & I will forever be thankful for everything that I have in my life.

But my mind, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my whole being is incapable of accepting that thought, & that state of shock slowly turned into a state of denial.

I live in denial & I admit it.

It's like I have completly closed the door of the past life I used to have, I try my best not to think about my mom, not to think about how my life used to be, not to let any memories float back, I try not to think about when she was sick, when she dided, how I was home alone, it's like I'm trying my best to just suffocate every single memory I have, because going back to that just kills me, & I thought that if I do that for long enough, maybe I will end up forgetting for real, maybe if I don't go back, all of these memories will go away, I feel like I'm running from my past, & I just try to live in the moment, or think about the future, until I die & See her in Heaven inchallah, I don't look at her pictures, I don't watch some videos I have of her, I don't talk about her, & when my familly brings back her death or how much they miss her or anything like that, I just walk away & come back when they're done, It's not that I don't love her or I don't care, on the contrary I care too much, I'm the youngest, I was my mother's little spoiled girl, I'll never forget how her eyes would shine when she looked at me, like I was the most beautiful girl in the world, how she tried her best so I would always be perfect in every possible way, how she would come & sleep with me when I have nightmares, & The last time she was still conscient but she couldn't talk, so she just helf my hand tight & kept on looking at me, & I just sat there helpless, trying my best not to cry, cause I thought if she was going to live, then I should give her the courage to fight harder, & if she was going to die, then I should let her die in peace....& I can't go back to these memories cause it destroyes me & I break down like the great wall of China coming down brick by brick, cause I just miss her so much...

& Now that we're in spring break, I came back home from college & every corner reminds me of her, & all of these memories rush back into my mind, & I don't know what to do about it, everyone thinks that I am so brave & strong because I "Dealed" with it, & I'm "Coping" so well, but I'm not, I didn't deal with anything, the only thing that I'm doing is running away like a coward from every that fact, & hoping that it will never catch me, hoping that death will catch me before it does, it would be like skipping the whole death part, straight to when I meet with my mom in Jannah inchallah...

I don't know what to do, every corner of my house is making me remember my mother, & it's killing me, & summer break will soon be here...I can't run away forever...Please help me...