Paper Girl - منتديات الجلفة لكل الجزائريين و العرب

2014-06-24, 21:02

Peace be upon you ;
Paper Girl
For too long ,,,and still
I've swallowed pains and guilts and now i’m drunk
I’ve been lost in a mysterious maze where i’m still stuck
I’ve neither looked for a prince charming
Nor for any one ‘s help i just kept waiting
Waiting for the day when all secrets would reveal
When i’d be « me » i would get back all what they steal
I kept waiting ,and all that time went in vain
Because in the end i had nothing, no gain
And i'm still the same girl made of paper
I have never changed i'm just getting older
Papers have no feelings and so do i
Papers are so cold and so do i
They can be cut and thrown away
The way i've been thrown so far away
Thrown like we have never existed before
POOF,and we are both gone ,it hurt my paper core
A paper girl with paper memories
A paper life with paper promises
I'would be a liar if i said i'm satisfied
Paper life is so fake and i feel soterrified
For too long, longer than enough
I've wandered alone within a paper bluff
Fighting back all the paper memories that are ripping my paper chest
I've tried my best but -so far- i'm considered as a loser in paper life's test
Because i'm homesick ,i'm jailed and i wanna be free
But they say :"a paper girl that's what you're meant to be"
They keep saying give up your life trust us papers are so mild
While you're nothing but a hard hearted girl , you are so wild
Yeah ;papers are so mild to the point they shaped my life the way they wanted
Orders,orders just follow orders because everything is already decided
they wrote too many drafts of me
i'm now the girl they've ever wanted to see
I guess i need more and more papers to fill my soul's gaps
It's over and i'm fine that's what i was finally able to grasp
" A paper girl is a paper girl ".

التعديل الأخير تم بواسطة نَازِكْ ; 2014-06-27 الساعة 15:23 سبب آخر: correcting mistakes

Karim-Rap-4-Life

2014-06-25, 23:20

RI've swallowed pains and guilts and now I’m drunk
I’ve been lost in a mysterious maze where I’m still stuck
I’ve never looked for a prince charming
Nor for any one ‘s help i just kept waiting
When I’d be « me » i would get back all what they steal
A paper girl with paper memories
A paper life with paper promises
I'm gonna bea liar if i said I’m satisfied
Paper life is so fake and i feel so afraid
Because I’m homesick ,I’m jailed and i wanna be free
They keep saying give up your life, trust us; paper are so mild
While you're nothing but a hard hearted girl , you are so wild
Yeah; paper are so wild to the point they shaped my life the way the wanted
Orders, orders just follow orders because everything is already decided
they wrote too many drafts of me
I’m now the girl they ever wanna see
I guess i need more papers to fill my soul's gaps
It's over, and I’m fine that's what I finally grasp

Grammatical mistakes

Guilts = no plural form it's uncountable noun .

Drunk = having drunk so much alcohol that it is impossible to think or speak clearly (Oxford dictionary) I’m sure didn’t mean this it’s better to choose another word.
What they steal = what they stole because it’s a past action, you’re saying that you will take back what they already took from you.
I’m gonna be a liar = I am going to be a liar (present continuous) it’s followed with if I said I’m satisfied (if + past simple) which means you’re using the conditional type 2 if + past simple = would + verb (infinitive). I’d be a liar if I said I’m satisfied.
Paper are so mild; paper are so wild = papers are so mild; papers are so wild.
I finally grasp = it’s used whether with past simple or present perfect. Personally I think present perfect is needed here (I’ve finally grasped
).

Vocabulary mistakes

I’ve never looked for a prince charming nor for any one … = I’ve neither … norfor any one’s help …
Homesick = sad because you are away from home and you miss your family and friends (Oxford dictionary).
I’m sure you meant staying home because you are sick and if I’m right you shouldn’t have said homesick look for another word.
The way the wanted = the way they wanted.

Phonetic mistakes

I've swallowed pains and guilts and now I’m drunk
I’ve been lost in a mysterious maze where I’m still stuck
There is a small difference between them.
Drunk = bunk, trunk, plunk …
Stuck = cluck, luck, truck...

I’ve never looked for a prince charming
Nor for any one‘s help i just kept waiting
there is a clear difference in the sound, both of them end with (ing) but pay attention to the root of the words we have charm and wait, they’re different in their sounds. So (ing) is not important in rhymes the most important is what’s before it. The same thing to (ed).
Charming = alarming, disarming, farming…
Waiting= debating, hating, rating…

A paper girl with paper memories
A paper life with paper promises
Memories /z/ (plural) = memory (singular)
Promises /Iz/ (plural) = promise (singular)
There is a small difference here.
Memories = universities, tendencies, enemies…
Promises = Thomas, compromise, providences, confidences

I'm gonnabea liar if i said I’m satisfied
Paper life is so fake and i feel so afraid
There is a difference between them in the main vowel.
Satisfied /ai/ = falsified, justified, simplified, clarified, purified, verified, classified…
Afraid /ei/ = decayed, too late, invade, cascade…

Yeah; paper are so wild to the point they shaped my life the way the wanted
Orders, orders just follow orders because everything is already decided
There is a difference here, the rhyme should be the same even before the (ed) the same to the (Ing).
Wanted = vaunted, haunted…
Decided = guided, suicide, subdivided, resided, presided, praised

Technically:

It’s true and real though it’s simulated with paper nature of the paper how it’s exploited by human being and thrown after it’s useless the same what’s happening in this freaky society when you’re helpless you’re expired. Nice poem light and bright full of feelings and vivid the fact that makes the reader drawing pictures of a lonely sad girl in a corner crying over a past memories and unachieved promises. The theme always the like the previous ones dark and deep and sadness is the clearest thing from the first line …

Reformed version of mine

I’ve swallowed the guilt and pains,

Still I’m stuck, lost in a mysterious maze

I’ve neither looked for a prince charming
nor for anyone’s help when I felt chagrin

I kept waiting for the day, when all secrets would be revealed;
when I’d be « me », i would get back the power I used to wield
I kept waiting, and all that time went in vain
In the end i had nothing, nothing to gain
I'm still the same girl who’s made of paper

Who has never changed, but getting older

Papers have no feelings and so do I
Papers are so cold and so do I
They can be cut and thrown away
The way I've been thrown so far away
Thrown like we have never existed before
POOF, and we are both gone, it hurt my paper core
A paper girl with paper memories
A paper life with paper promises

I would be a liar if i said I'm satisfied
Paper life is so fake, I feel so terrified

For too long, longer than enough
I've wandered alone within a paper bluff
Fighting back all the paper memories that are ripping my paper chest
I've tried my best but -so far- I’m considered as a loser in paper life's test
Because I’m homesick , I’m jailed; i wanna be free
They say: "a paper girl that's what you're meant to be"
They keep saying give up your life trust us paper are so mild
While you're nothing but a hard hearted girl , you are so wild
Yeah ;paper are so wild to the point they shaped my life the way the wanted
Orders, orders just follow orders because everything is already decided
they wrote too many drafts of me
I’m now the girl they ever wanna see
I guess i need more papers to fill my soul's gaps
It's over and I’m fine that's what i finally grasp
" A paper girl is a paper girl "

a great hello to member's writing active members

نَازِكْ

2014-06-26, 21:10

اقتباس : المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة Karim-Rap-4-Life

Grammatical mistakes

Vocabulary mistakes

Phonetic mistakes

Technically:

Reformed version of mine

I’ve swallowed the guilt and pains,

Still I’m stuck, lost in a mysterious maze

I’ve neither looked for a prince charming
nor for anyone’s help when I felt chagrin

Who has never changed, but getting older

I would be a liar if i said I'm satisfied
Paper life is so fake, I feel so terrified

a great hello to member's writing active members

what's up bro seems like you got tired thanks to me
well it needs time to focous n now i'm half asleep and conx is insane i'll be here morning Inshallah to correct my mistakes
sorry bro n thank you ^^

نَازِكْ

2014-06-27, 15:00

اقتباس : المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة Karim-Rap-4-Life

Grammatical mistakes

Guilts = no plural form it's uncountable noun .
GOOD i know now i appreciate Sir
Drunk = having drunk so much alcohol that it is impossible to think or speak clearly (Oxford dictionary) I’m sure didn’t mean this it’s better to choose another word.
Nah i kenw it i've used it to show that i had enough n that i can no feel any thing like a drunk
What they steal = what they stole because it’s a past action, you’re saying that you will take back what they already took from you.
yeah 7na l3aptha chatra
I’m gonna be a liar = I am going to be a liar (present continuous) it’s followed with if I said I’m satisfied (if + past simple) which means you’re using the conditional type 2 if + past simple = would + verb (infinitive). I’d be a liar if I said I’m satisfied.
i forgott about it ,sorry
Paper are so mild; paper are so wild = papers are so mild; papers are so wild.
I finally grasp = it’s used whether with past simple or present perfect. Personally I think present perfect is needed here (I’ve finally grasped
).yeah i used it like that though i knew it's not logical
what about i was finally able to grasp ?

Vocabulary mistakes

Phonetic mistakes

Technically:

yeah bro , were you able to read my thoughts ?it's just like you said , you knwo i thoughts about papers and how they are used +a book which is "paper twons "has really iinspired me

Reformed version of mine

I’ve swallowed the guilt and pains,

Still I’m stuck, lost in a mysterious maze

I’ve neither looked for a prince charming
nor for anyone’s help when I felt chagrin

Who has never changed, but getting older

I would be a liar if i said I'm satisfied
Paper life is so fake, I feel so terrified

a great hello to member's writing active members

yours is better than mine but i was crying while writing it n for real i haven't revised it but i was able to breathe thnks to "Paper Girl";i'm pretty sure you know what i mean it hurts there ,
you know even millons of "thank you "wouldn't be enough n no word can fit to tell how muchgratetful i'm to you ,,,sa7it atas atas may allah bless you .

نَازِكْ

2014-06-28, 14:49

اقتباس : المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة Karim-Rap-4-Life

well there is no better than something original yours is original coz it's written directly without thinking deeply just writing down what you felt ... transmitting feelings to words on paper by a paper girl

for the mistakes I'm sure you know about them;
like conditional types and plural rules
this happens with all even me sometimes I make a lot of mistakes that I usually don't
we can blame you if you're writting a formal thing, letter or something
but here it's not that problem the most important is the delivery
(ideas that you want us to know)
if you pay attention to the American direct you will find a lot of mistakes like
no plural rules;
he/ she were... do !!
look at they car !!
so many excesses
for Finally wlh I still didn't look for it coz I totally forgot about grammar rules
but I'll do my best to find about it
BTW
what's the meaning of Atas !!!
which stream you studied ?
which topic did you choose?
Did you see the correction?

yeah i see bro ;thank you for every thing you 've said and you've done
for Atas it means bzaf "lot" in 9baylia
i'm Scientific i 've chosen the one that talks about counterfeiting money i've chosen it for the writing expression i liked that topic , i saw the correction n my answers were all correct hmd but i wrote too much in the writing expression and i am afraid they won't read it the way it should be read because my mark will depend on it