Short funny stories

[SuperMarket]

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم

السلام عليكم

:mh92:
أقدم لكم مجموعة قصص قصيرة ومضحكة باللغة الإنجليزية

القصة الأولى

IT’S THE BUTCHER!

An old woman was lonely. She decided to get a pet. She didn’t have much money so she
went to a second hand pet shop.
She saw many animals: a three legged cat, a dog without a tail, fish that could only swim
backwards and a beautiful bird that could only say one thing, “Who is it?”. She decided to
buy the bird. She bought a cage for her bird and went home. She put the bird by the door and
went downtown to do some shopping.
While she was gone, a man knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” replied the parrot.
“It’s the butcher,” he said.
“Who is it?”, repeated the bird.
“It’s the butcher,” said the man.
“Who is it?” asked the parrot.
“It’s the butcher!!,”, said the man angrily.
“Who is it?” “It’s the butcher!!!!”, he screamed.
“Who is it?” “It’s the butcher, the butcher, the butch...”
Suddenly the butcher fell to the floor. He had had a heart attack.
Later that day, the old woman came home and found the man laying on her doorstep. She
opened her door and asked the parrot, “Who is it?” . The parrot replied,
“It’s the butcher!”


ترقبوا المزيد في الردود

[SuperMarket]

القصة الثانية

The Dog

Linda Robinson was very thirsty and hungry so she went into a restaurant. There was an old woman in the cafe.
She was sitting near the door at a table. At her feet, under the table, there was a small dog.

Linda bought a glass of lemonade and some meat. She sat down at the table next to the old
woman. The old woman sat quietly. She looked lonely. Linda decided to be kind and talk to
the old woman.
“It is very hot today.” she said.
“Yes, but it is nice inside here.” replied the old woman.
Linda looked at the dog and asked, “Does your dog like people.”
The woman answered, “Oh! Yes! She loves people.”
Linda wanted to give the dog some meat. So she asked, “ Does your dog like meat?”
“They are his favourite food.” said the old lady.
Linda was terribly afraid of dogs so she asked, “Does your dog bite?”
The old woman smiled and said, “ NO! My dog is very tame. She is even afraid of cats!”
Linda took some meat in her hand and reached under the table. She put it near the dog’s mouth.
But the dog didn’t bite the meat, she bit her hand! Linda jumped up, spilling her lemonade.
She screamed, “I thought you said, your dog didn’t bite.”
The old woman looked at Linda and then at the dog. Then she said,

“THAT’S NOT MY DOG!”

[SuperMarket]

هل أعجبتكم القصص؟
ما زال عندي الكثير

[SuperMarket]

في إنتظار ردودكم

[toulay]

thank you so much

[SuperMarket]

thank you so much

Please, Don't mention it

[SuperMarket]

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT

A woman needed to buy her mother a birthday present. She didn’t know what to buy her
mother. She only had one day to buy her mother something.
So she went out window shopping. Soon enough, she walked by a pet store window She
thought to herself, “What a lovely idea for a present! My mother is so lonely and she needs a
pet.”
The woman went into the store and saw many wonderful animals. Puppy dogs, fluffy cats,
gold fish, cute mice. But the woman didn’t think these were special enough. She asked the
manager if he had a pet that was really special.
The manager thought for a moment and replied, “Yes, but it costs a lot of money. $5.000”
“I have a parrot that can speak 7 ********s, Chinese, English, French, Korean, German,
Russian and even Hindi!”
The woman said, “Perfect” and bought the bird. She sent it by special delivery to her mother,
so she would get it the next day.
The next evening after work, the woman called her mother. She asked, “How do you like
your birthday present.”
Her mother replied, “Thank you, IT’S DELICIOUS!”

[SuperMarket]

Je ne sais pas pourquoi quelque mots nets deviennent des étoiles

[SuperMarket]

في القصة :

7 ********s
تعني

7 لغات

[SuperMarket]

The Salesman

Henry Leech was a salesman. He was a good salesman and sold lots of vacuum cleaners. One
week, the manager sent Henry into the countryside to sell.
He drove out of town and stopped at a farmhouse. He knocked on the door and the farmer’s
wife opened it. Henry started into his speech immediately.
“Mam, how much time do you spend sweeping the floors? “
“A lot of time. This is a farm and things get dirty quickly.” said the woman.
“And how much time do you spend beating the carpets?” asked Henry.
“A lot of time. This house gets dusty and my dog also lays on them”
“Well” said Henry, “This is your lucky day.”
Henry showed her his vacuum cleaner and said,
“You can clean the house in 5 minutes with this!”
The farmer’s wife didn’t look interested.
Henry took out a big bag of dirt. He opened it and threw it all over the floor. The farmer’s
wife was very surprised. Before she could speak Henry said, “ Mam, if this machine doesn’t
pick up every last piece of dirt, I will eat all of it!!!!!”
The farmer’s wife looked at Henry and said,

“WELL, I WILL GET YOU A SPOON.

WE HAVE NO ELECTRICITY.”

[SuperMarket]

Fish Tale


It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole
in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked
out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his
fishing line.
It only took about a minute and WHAM!, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the
boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in
his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he
hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been
here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few
minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" To which the
boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" The old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[SuperMarket]

THE SHOPKEEPER

Once there was a shopkeeper named Mr. Park. He lived in New York and had had a
small corner store for 45 years. He worked very hard, 16 hours every day and he never took a
holiday.
One day, his daughter arrived at the store and found Mr. Park lying on the floor. He had had
a heart attack! She called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital.
He survived and was very weak, resting in the hospital. A day later he awoke and slowly
looked around his hospital room.
He asked in a weak voice, “Are you there, my dear wife?”
“Yes,” she replied “I am here my dearest.”
Mr. Park asked, “Are you here, my oldest son?”
“Yes, I am here.” replied his oldest son.
“Are you here, my daughter?” Mr. Park asked in a faint voice.
“Yes, father, I am here.” the daughter replied with a tear in her eye.
“Are you here, my youngest son?” asked Mr. Park.
“Yes, papa. I am here by your side.” said the baby of the family.
Suddenly Mr. Park’s eyes grew big and threw off the bed covers and jumped up, screaming,
“SO THEN, WHO IS WATCHING THE STORE!”

[SuperMarket]

The Lion

One day a lion was walking through the jungle. He was young and very proud. He met a
snake and said, “Who is the king of the jungle?”
The snake said, “You are.” It did not make the lion angry and he smiled.
Thirty metres later, he met a monkey and asked, “Monkey, Who is the king of the jungle?”
The monkey said quickly, “You are.” The lion smiled and continued on his way.
Next, the lion met a crocodile. He stopped and asked the crocodile, “Who is the king of the
jungle?” The crocodile didn’t answer so the lion roared very loudly. “WHO IS THE KING
OF THE JUNGLE?” The crocodile answered quickly, “You are.” The lion was satisfied and
said, “Next time, answer quickly or I will eat you!”
Finally, the lion met an elephant. He stopped, looked angrily at the elephant and asked,
“Elephant, who is king of the jungle?”
The elephant picked up the lion with his trunk and dropped him to the ground. The elephant
kicked the lion and then jumped on top of him.
The lion was very surprised and hurt. He got up, shook the dirt off and shouted,
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET ANGRY JUST BECAUSE YOU
DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER!”

[SuperMarket]

PICASSO (A True Story)

One day, a famous art collector was having a party. He had many famous paintings on his
walls. He saw one man studying his favourite painting which was above his fireplace. He
said to the man, “This is a real Picasso.”.
The man shook his head. He said, “I am an art expert.
This definitely isn’t a real Picasso. It is a fake.”
The art collector was shocked.
He called up his agent and asked to have
a personal appointment with Picasso.
The meeting was arranged and he flew to Paris. He went directly to Picasso’s studio and after
climbing the stairs, knocked on the door. Picasso shouted, “Come in!”. Picasso was busy
painting a large painting. He quickly looked over his shoulder and asked, “What is it? I’m
busy.”
The art collector said, “Mr. Picasso I only have one quick question. Can you please look at
this painting and tell me if it is a fake?”
Picasso looked over his shoulder at it and quickly snapped, “It is a fake”. The collector
thanked Picasso and left.
One year later, the collector returned to Picasso’s studio. He walked up the stairs and
knocked on the door. Picasso was busy painting and he angrily asked, “What is it?!”
The art collector said, “Picasso, sorry to interrupt but I have just one question. Can you look
at this painting and tell me if it is a fake?” Picasso looked over his shoulder and quickly
replied, “It is a fake!”
The man was shocked, he said, “It can’t be! I was here last year and saw you, yourself,
painting this very painting!Picasso turned around and said,
“Sometimes I paint fakes.

[shogunfree]

نريد المزييييييييد

[SuperMarket]

Onions and Garlic

Long ago there lived two brothers. Joshua and
Eli. They lived on a farm and were very poor.
Joshua worked hard ever day. Eli was lazy and
didn’t like to work.
One day, Joshua heard of a kingdom far away.
This kingdom didn’t have onions! Hmmmm,
thought Joshua. If I could sell them onions,
they’d pay a lot of money!
He asked to see the king and was granted an audience. Joshua told the king about the onions
and the king was curious. He invited Joshua to make a big feast with many dishes prepared
with onions.
That evening, the king and his guests tasted the dishes. Everyone agreed, the onion made
everything taste so much better! The king smiled from ear to ear. He said to Joshua, “These
onions are the most precious thing in my kingdom. In return for them, I will give you their
equal weight in the most precious thing I have – diamonds.” Joshua was instantly rich and
returned to his village with a wagon full of diamonds.
Joshua shared his wealth but his brother Eli was still very jealous. He asked Joshua if this
kingdom has garlic. Joshua thought and said, “In fact, they don’t have any garlic.”
Hmmmm, thought Eli. If I could sell them garlic, I’d be very rich indeed. Garlic is much
tastier than onions.
Eli traveled to the kingdom as his brother had done. Just like Joshua, he got an audience with
the king and made a feast. And just like Joshua, the king declared garlic the most precious
thing in his kingdom. It was a big hit! The king said, “ I will give you their equal weight in
the most precious thing in my kingdom.”
Here you are – Onions!

[SuperMarket]

Biscuits
One day, while my friend and I were traveling through Germany, we were very hungry
but we didn't have a lot of money. We decided to stop at a village market to get a few
groceries. I chose some biscuits and went to the front counter to pay. Near the counter I
saw some packaged biscuits in a large bin. They looked good and were a lot cheaper
than the ones I had in my hand, so I took them instead.
We left the store and looked for a place where we could eat. We found a quiet place
under a tree and we ate our sandwiches first, and then the biscuits. We thought they
were great.
"Let's get these again," I said. "They're cheap and they really taste good."
My friend can read some German, but I can't, so I gave her the package so she could
look for the brand name. She looked at it and then started to laugh.
"Why are you laughing?" I asked.
"Because they're dog biscuits!" she said.

[SuperMarket]

The Bank Job

When I first started working in a bank in the center of the city, I was always afraid
someone might rob me. I was behind bulletproof glass, but the alarm buttons always
reminded me that someone could rob me. We had secret signals that changed every day,
and there was an automatic alarm that rang when the last money came out of my
drawer.
Sure enough, one day a man I thought looked suspicious entered the bank. He walked
by the other tellers to come to me. I thought he knew I didn't have much experience. He
put his hand into his pocket, pulled out a note, and put it under the teller Pane. I was
very scared, dropped down under the counter, and hit the alarm button.
The guards came and held the man. Then I read the note. It said, "Would you have
lunch with me?"

[سينا]

thanks a lot

[SuperMarket]

thanks a lot

Please Don't mention it

[الضب الزين]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh funny jokes really..... especially the dog story ........I'm waiting more jokes .....

thank you my friend

[Eglaηtina]

Haha i love it the third one is my fav :)

[imen03]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
thanks very funny

[SuperMarket]

Thanks all my friends for having commented on this post.
Enjoy your times.

[ريان 7]

peace be upon you
i liked the one of the butcher hilarious
thanx and keep going

[DôRsàfe]

Thank You so much ... i really like theme ...

[ayoubmoi]

hhhhhhhh i laughed so hard on the dog story

[OpeyXD]

thank you so much

[منار العلم]

Oh thanks alot
we are waiting!

[نسرين نورة]

thanks
it is very beautiful stories

[fâscînat]

thnx for that funny story we hope to give us a lot of other funny stories

[fulla23]

thank you very much

[Couby Brayne]

so wonderful

[Couby Brayne]

:dj_17::19:thanks a lot :):D:1::mh92:

[Couby Brayne]

................................ =d ☺

[revox]

lool i exploded with the last one

[Kool7]

شكرا لك أخي

[SuperMarket]

العفو اخواني الكرام

[azzouzi mohamed ilya]

with all my respect & think this type stories is very very silly gush how can you laugh on this

[oktavio]

Hello.. as Newbie writers it's not easy for us to make this novel but we tried our best to make it worth reading. We used simple English which we believe could be easy for us to understand well.

https://a.wattpad.com/cover/144760708-200-k515528.jpg
The novel is based on romantic story inspired by truth . It has many pages and the first chapter is pretty long , which can make readers get confused at first, but the further you read the less confusing it gets and the more you will like it. It has an interesting timeline to follow. You can find the characters portrayed their roles well, in real and reel.

Thanks in advance for giving this novel a chance to read, we really appreciate it.. and we will be very grateful if you leave comments or suggestions on how we can make better our storyline, we shall welcome any criticism but please no insults.

Lastly we won't have fixed time, but we might update as soon as we can if you guys show us some love and patience awaiting the next issue.

SUMMARY:

A 34-year-old girl meets a young man who is younger than her by 10 years, and develop their feelings into romance, but their relationship turn sour after the departure of that young man to serve the military for two years , which makes the girl face several obstacles and hit a very painful reality either to wait or to start a new life without him.

==========[ NEXT CHAPTER: SUE MARIE ASILLO PART1 ]==========

This novel focus to our main character SUE MARIE ASILLO unemployed for at least a year because she can't work with her new boss.

Staying at home deteriorates her health. But one day the situation changed after finding a new job not because she like it but hiding behind it some secrets.

SUE SIGH AS SHE CHECKS WHILE SHE TELL HERSELF: "A YEAR HAD PASS, STILL A YEAR TO REMAIN" Then she took her stuff bear, the precious gift she has, she kiss and hug it.. while caressing its brown fur and looking to its big dark black eyes.

SUE STOOD UP TRYING TO LEAVE THE ROOM: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WILL NOT RETURN TO THAT COMPANY AS LONG AS MR.PELE IS THE BOSS THERE"

SUE did not utter a word, she kept on trying to call from her phone, and she got no answer.

AUNT PLEADS WHILE SUE OUT OF FOCUS: "I KNOW YOU OFTEN CALL TO SOMEONE THAT NEVER CALLS YOU BACK, PLEASE STOP IT"

SUE ANGRILY: "LYN AGAIN, DON'T TALK ABOUT HER AUNT"

More secrets to unfold as you turn to the next pages.

=========[ SHARE US YOUR THOUGHTS IN COMMENTS: ]=========

WILL SUE WAIT HER YOUNG MAN OR SHE START A NEW LIFE WITHOUT HIM?

Please remember, your comments can make us improve the upcoming chapters.

Link from here
(https://www.wattpad.com/559643815-absolute-blessing-chapter1-sue-marie-asillo-part1)

[oussgamer]

Thank you for sharing this