Within Dark City Walls

[sofmega]

this a short story i wrote i haven't finish or edit it yet so i need opinions and help to finish it

there's times i walk and witness the truth within the walls darkness all around me voices in the deep trying to have me took the road to the unknown counting the steps i have till the early moon i fall on a side and tried to sleep but there's no where safe except next to this rock the hours past like seconds until i woke up by this noises laughter's coming from away i frightened what could night has set for movement in shadows houses looking pale no light to stand by the voices getting nearer and nearer until these two girls appeared one she looks like five years old and the other one she is a young woman holding hands together no fear on their faces and that what tore me apart there's marks of recent cries on the older but that young girl had a very demonic eyes deep blue took the life of me i sensed like I'm fading away she passed by me just kept looking at me i couldn't dare on anything just watched her pass shadows started rising from ground people walking with white eyes you can't see their faces only the sign of their eyes walking after her in order their heads looking down and their hands and legs in chains terrified and shocked by this scene i just froze there waited till they left and took the road to a farther place i couldn't believe my eyes just run to this alley till i heard these screams i hide in the shadows and overlook from the path the screams just kept on rising my feet couldn't stop shaking what is this night i found myself in suddenly the screams stopped i swallowed my fear and turned my head to the road there was this lady walking in a heavy steps i thought she was injured i asked her hey madame are you alright then she looked at me her face couldn't be gone from my head very red skin with no eyes started laughing at me i took to steps back while her laughter started rising and rising to screams my ears couldn't handle it so i started running and running no way to take or no way to trust ..................

[Sadinne]

Hey you ^^

So, first of all I like the story it's really intringuing & it makes you wonder what happened & what's gonna happen next...You had my attention there!! =p

But there were a couple of mistakes in your orthography & some expressions you could've written better, also you should use ponctuation, so we can read easily & understand where we're going, because without it, I kind of got lost because I couldn't understand if you've finished an idea & passed to another one, or if you're still talking about the same thing, for example the last part, you could've done this:


From the path the screams just kept on rising, my feet couldn't stop shaking, I thought to myself: "How did I end up in this horrific night?".
Suddenly the screams stopped. I swallowed my fear and turned my head to the road, there was a lady walking in heavy steps that caught my eye, I naively thought she was injured i asked her: "Hey madame are you alright?" then she looked at me, I couldn't forget her face, she had extremely red skin & when I was trying to look at her eyes, I realized...She didn't have any.
I took two steps back while her develish laugh was slowly rising to become unbearable screams, my ears couldn't handle it, so i started running and running, not knowing which way to take, or which way to trust..

I think it's better this way & it's so much easier to read & understand...I hope you don't mind the changes I've made, I'm only trying to bring some improvement...I hope you don't mind my constructive criticism either xD

Anyways, I really like the story & I hope you'll be posting the rest of it in here, so I can find out what's gonna happen next...Best of luck darling ^^

[sofmega]

I said in the begining i didn't edit the story and i need help on it cause this just a segment forom my novel i'm writing it's just a nightmare the hero in my story saw so i needed help so please just help me finish it cause no one else wanted to answer me or help me in this

[Sadinne]

Ohhh I see ^^

I'd be more than happy to help out, but what do you exactly need? =p

[sofmega]

i have the story i will send it to you and you give me opinions please and ideas

[Sadinne]

Yeah sure, I don't mind ^^

[sofmega]

i don't have it on pc but i will write it soon and send it to you