I'm drowning in the darkness

[Hind_dz]

Peace be upon you everyone

~~~
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Pu8Y8lgD3xY/TESR4-2EJ_I/AAAAAAAAAKw/KY_cR8ysnAU/s1600/Drowning2.gif

I'm fighting the tide

trying to reach the surface

?what's happening to me

I'm drowning

I'm drowning in the sea of sadness

I can't find any hand to pull me

I can't find anyone to save me

I'm drowning and no one cares

I'm fighting the waves alone and no one to rescue me dares

I've been struggling for a while till now

trying to save my soul on my own

cuz no one is around

second by second i'm sinking more

I'm going deeper

there's no way I can reach the shore

everything ahead looks nebulous

I'm getting tired

and the tidal waves are getting more ruthless

blow after blow until my body becomes numb

but my heart remains sore waiting for what will come

if only someone appeared to me from nowhere

and held my hand to save from there

but no one does

and no one comes

and now my eyes are closing and the last glimmer of sunshine goes

the last breath is taken

my body trembles for the last time and now it's sinking

it's plunging in a world where good feelings die

and there, forever

I shall lie

~~~

[Maria Rap 4 Ever]

verry nice
keep it up

[Black_Poison]

Hi there hind
i don't know but this poem reminds me of my own self
drowning in the darkness
you've got tallent girl keep it up
don't give up

waiting for your next
peace sis

[baby angel]

keep it up sis you are talented

[Karim_Rap_4_life]

hi nice to see your new topic_____I'll read it carefully then I'll reply ok

[Violet Rose]

you've got a beautifull talent sist keeep going

[Karim_Rap_4_life]

(Wow Such a good Introduction!)

I'm fighting the tide

trying to reach the surface

?what's happening to me

I'm drowning
please consider these advices:

Hi Hind I am really impressed by what you’ve written
it’s very expressive using such similes and figurative speeches
Sea è Darkness

Technically:
Hind you know I love to provide some advices for people
Who love to write poems;
I would like you to accept this peace of advice if you want:
What is poem or why we call it a poem:


it’s different from prose
it’s best memorised and well remembered because of the use of Rhymes and Rhythm.

Follow me please:
Some body don’t like me talking about Rhymes and would say oh forget about rhymes and bla bla bla
Noooooooooooo
It’s totally a mistake coz if you want your writings seem like a poem
It’s important to imply rhymes then by this one you can put them regularly like this as an example:
……………………………….(A)
……………………………….(A)
……………………………….(B)
……………………………….(B)
Or
……………………………….(A)
……………………………….(B)
……………………………….(A)
……………………………….(B)

There are so many forms of poems you can learn about them……

Then the Rhythm…..
When you read a poem of (Moufdi Zakaria) or (Ibn Badiss) you feel a regular rhythm reading them can you tell me why?
Because;
Stanzas (Lines) are paralleled, equal in length.
These are two most important elements to build a great poem.
Then if you consider it as a “Thought” I’m sorry Coz I don’t know much about this kind of writings.

(1)
I'm drowning in the sea of sadness
………………………….(…….ness)
(we need a rhyme here)
Suggestion:
hopefulness
I’m drowning in the sea of sadness
After I lost my way to hopefulness

(2)
(I can’t find any hand to pull me)
(I can't find anyone to save me)
Suggestion:
I can't find any hand to pull and save me

(3)
(I'm fighting the waves alone and no one to rescue me dares)
Suggestion:
I’m lonely here fighting the waves
Who want to rescue me who dares

I've been struggling for a while now
second by second I'm sinking more




Grammar mistakes:
I've been struggling for a while now
Have + Been + Verb(ing) è Present perfect continuous
USE 1 Duration from the Past Until Now

USE 2 Recently, Lately

We use it the tense has a more general meaning of "lately." Or “Recently”

We use it to show that something started in the past and has continued up until now
You can say:
I’ve been struggling for a long while till now
I’ve been struggling till now.
Now:
An adverb means “at the present time”
Which tense do you think is suitable in this case?


Present simple.
Present Continuous
Present perfect continuous


You can say;
I am struggling now

At the end I hope you take my comments in consideration and try to work again on this poem applying some instructions that I’ve told you about, then if you found a problem in finding rhymes tell me to provide some for you……..Good Luck.

http://www.graphics99.com/wp-*******/uploads/2012/06/good-luck.gif

[Hind_dz]

Hi Karim.. thnx a lot 4 the free lesson hhhh it was helpful n I really appreciate it

but I have a lot of mistakes.. man! I must suck hhhhh

anyway, i'll try 2 work with ur advices from now on

thnx again 2 u n 2 Maria Rap 4 Ever, B_P, baby angel, n violet rose 4 dropping by my topic

http://hh7.an3m1.com/Sep/an3m1.com_13465198371.gif (http://hh7.an3m1.com/)

[Karim_Rap_4_life]

No Hind don't mind Grammatical mistakes is not the a big deal you can learn and fix them they're easy
.
.
.Writing poem is the thing that you need to care about then If you wanna work on it again I'm here to see them okey
.
.
.you're welcome

[Hind_dz]

i would work on this one again but if u knew me u'd know that i'm 2 lazy 2 do that lol

so i'll try 2 apply ur advices on other ones n i hope 2 find u 2 ask 4 opinion

[Karim_Rap_4_life]

yeah I'm always around to check your news okey take your time
.
.
.
would you please take a look to the game "check the world"

[Hind_dz]

Ok thnx n i just did

[مسك الروووح]

I'm drowning and no one cares
u r wrong ;)
what ever it's so beatifull

[Hind_dz]

thank u my dear dear friend

:)

[M!ss_f@ti]

i liked it

keep it up

:)

[Aniahtoub Ikiddes]

very nice i like it a loTt

[هاجر زهرة اللوتس]

wow its rly soulful
i like it
keeeep going sweet lady

[Nihad lamis]

nice words sister
keep it up

[zohra chahrora]

hi i know exactly how it feels like if you feel that way
......
that's mean you're in Love

[Bouchra mimi]

really really good Hind

love it

waiting for your new

[نضار]

you memind me about my self it's great poem

[Hind_dz]

hi i know exactly how it feels like if you feel that way
......
that's mean you're in Love



hhhhhhh

no, surprisingly it had nothing to do with love, it was more like having nothing to live 4 n no one to stand by my side, deep feelings of loneliness n sadness, it's like falling unintentionally into a hole n not knowing the way out, these were my feelings, it wasn't love, not a broken heart, just an addiction to sadness

thank u so much 4 dropping by my topic